Seen at The Festival of the Tree

...if you would be happy all your life, plant a garden - Chinese proverb

Friday, 14 November 2008

You Ask, We Answer


My Dear American Cousins,

Afraid you've missed the latest gardening gossip from England?

Are you dying to know who is the 'Lord of Cord' and why?

Concerned your English friend uses her butt too often?

Want to find the best garden itinerary for your upcoming tour?

Do you find quaint terms like 'flowering their socks off' confusing?

Worried you'll fail your University Diploma?

Then we have just the publication for you! Yes, You Ask, We Answer is the part work which solves the mystery of your English gardening buddies' eccentricity. Issued over an infinitesimal number of weeks (or until funding runs out), each edition builds to form the best, most complete library of English gardening knowledge, entertainment, heritage and terminology. We have gathered the creme de la creme of gardening expertise to answer your every enquiry, no matter how small. Our current panelist rollcall may be found here *. No finer depth (or maybe dearth - Ed.) of expertise has been assembled since last week's edition of Gardeners' Question Time.

You won't find You Ask, We Answer at your local newsstand or store, but you can secure your very own copy by calling 0800-YAWA-SUBS, where our carefully trained operatives** are on standby 24/7 to take your call and explain the subscription options available to you. Already a subscriber, but still have a question unanswered? Then we have just introduced two additional premium rate options especially for you. For a paltry $5.99 per month, 0845-YAWA-QUIZ ensures your question is extensively answered in the next edition with space available. Can't wait that long? Then, a minimum fee of $99.99 per month and dialling 0845-YAWA-RICH will secure you a mind-meld with the horticultural expert of your choice. ***

Just look at these testimonials from our many satisfied customers! ****

'The only textbook my students will ever need - forget the Lindley Library!'
Dulcibella Ffforsten-Hyde - Principal, Dixter College

'I was a battered and confused casualty of the Transatlantic Sock Wars, but no longer. Thank you YAWA!'
Aunt Debbi

'Just the resource I need for my fiendish quotes and quizzes strand!'
Kate, ManicGardener

English and feeling left out? Then rest assured our YAWA online American Perennial Edition went into beta test earlier this week. Watch this space for more exciting details!

Not sure You Ask, We Answer is for you? Then click the no-obligation response link below, where our most Venerable Panellist is waiting to take your trial question.

Remember You Ask, We Answer is only available to you in the comfort of your own home, bought to you courtesy of VP Exclusive Enterprises. Don't delay, sign up today!

* = some names may have been changed to protect the innocent.
** = calls may be recorded for training purposes. Terms & Conditions apply.
*** = rates and expert will vary depending upon availability, selected question complexity and our cashflow status.
**** = originals available to view on request, on payment of a small fee, preferably a jar of honey.

24 comments:

  1. VP - this will keep me chuckling right through the day! Very, very good.
    :)

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  2. i definitely want a mind meld with that James Alexander-Sinclair. But will my borders be as good as his afterwards?

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  3. A Welsh Reader - so glad it made you giggle!

    Emmat - once the mind-meld has been installed to your satisfaction and the minimum 3-month trial period has expired, may I suggest a subscription to our sister publication "Haughty-Culture"? This will enable to make the best use of your gardening staff and ensure your borders are in tippity top condition.

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  4. Very good - made me giggle and thanks for the link.

    I wondered if you had considered a top shelf publication - I am sure GM would be grateful - 'Whore Tea Culture' has a nice ring to it too!

    btw, thought you might like to know the word verification today was elite - you most certainly are!

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  5. My Dear Zoe - I'm so glad you asked that question! Unfortunately our call centre operatives have had a few teething problems in ensuring the right publication requested is shipped to our subscribers. Mind you, Lord Ponsonby-Smythe of Phartington Hall was surprisingly enthusiatic about the publication you mentioned, particularly our 'Weeder's Wives' feature.

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  6. OOOWWWWWW
    I have just pulled a muscle laughing about Whore Tea Culture and then I got to Weeders Wives
    Honestly I think I might not be able to move now it's really painful

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  7. Emma, Emma, Emma - how can you be laughing so? These are most serious publications! Might I suggest a soothing embrocation balm from Boots (our subsidiary company) to relieve your pain?

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  8. How long will this offer be available, VP? I need to think about this...sounds very tempting. I must admit when you discuss the latest gardening show on BBC, I haven't the foggiest about what's going on there since American television programming executives have decided that gardening shows aren't profitable any more. (We viewers are too "old" for their desirable demographics.)

    Oh well, I'll just pass on this offer--I'll just keep visiting my favorite English gardening blog, VegPlotting, and occasionally follow her links to others.

    Fun post, VP:)

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  9. Prairie Rose - thank you for your commendation! Naturally YAWA is a little disappointed you don't want to sign-up immediately. However, rest assured that Veg Plotting will be showcasing selected treats from YAWA's publications over the coming weeks, which may help you to change your mind!

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  10. Possessed though I am of vast quantities of knowledge regarding the British isles, owing to voracious viewings of the Python pantheon, Ground Force and ARE YOU BEING SERVED?, in addition to copious consumption of British mysteries and detective novels, I must admit that I have only begun to fill my butt, so to speak, when it comes to my knowledge of English horticulture. It does indeed seem that YAWA is a unique offering in the annals of gardeners' educational opportunities. I shall give it due consideration after further perusal of the experts mentioned.

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  11. Hi Cindy - I hope that like Rose, the next few offerings from the YAWA stable will help you to make a positive choice. Thanks for visiting!

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  12. I can't help but notice that whenever I visit, I'm not spared of the rude giggling that goes on about between the lines here...and I absolutely love it! Made my day for sure, priceless!

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  13. Dear Violtje - laughter is a primary part of YAWA's mission statement. 'Keep 'em laughing, keep 'em coming' as we've said in blazing 6 foot high letters on the office wall here.

    Naturally YAWA is also seeking expansion into European markets and our research team have spotted golden opportunities particularly in the Croatian and Dutch areas.

    Watch this space - there may also be opportunities for new correspondents to join our expanding team BTW ;)

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  14. VP, as the target of this joke, I'm looking forward to getting my questions answered! Do you recommend the comment section, the 800 number or the.... Oh, my, that 0845 number sounds like quite the deal!

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  15. Nikkipolani - welcome! As you can see YAWA has tried to cover all its bases by providing a range of options to suit all our potential reader's requirements and pockets :)

    I personally guarantee that whichever option you choose, you won't be disappointed!

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  16. I confess to not knowing zilch about you foreigners and quite often stick my sock in my mouth. I can laugh at myself though and that makes it all better. I will have to check out your explanations and get educated.

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  17. Can you hear the laughter from over here across the big pond? It might be muffled by all those states in between here and there. Although I am all American the English edition of YAWA A.P.E. is very tempting! Gail

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  18. Anna - welcome! I've seen you over at Blackpitt's quite a bit, so I know you've been doing some sneaky extra curricular studies ;)

    Gail - and did you hear the laughter over here too? I've been giggling all day! I think all versions of YAWA are stupendous bargains and will do so much to ensure world peace and harmony ;)

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  19. Sorry, VP, I never pay for what I can get for free by hacking. I'd be willing to do an information exchange. All right, I confess I enjoy reading British blogs for so much more than just the plants. "Whore Tea Culture," "Haughty Culture' and "Weeder's Wives" had snorting with laughter. BTW - There used to be a newsletter in my neck of the woods called "The Weedpatch Gazette."

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  20. This is the funniest and most well connected post I have ever read. BTW, I can only translate Texan.

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  21. MMD - I think I'll have some special offers over the next few weeks which may help to change your mind ;)

    Deb - You're needed for the YAWA A.P.E edition now!

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  22. If humor is part of its mission statement VP, I will ask for a rewrite. As a founding member of YAWA (I think that to claim that much is no exaggeration), I must insist that you stand by your earlier claim that this be a serious publication.

    BTW--please check Emma's pulse. Anyone who wants a mind-meld with James A-S needs our pity and our help.

    Thanks so much, VP==this was great, I'll have to get on the stick to keep up.
    --Kate

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  23. Kate - it is a serious publication - seriously funny ;)

    Have checked Emmat's pulse and couldn't find one. Hmm, does that mean my First Aid skills are seriously lacking or that my arms aren't long enough and I'm in fact taking the pulse of thin air?

    Watch out for more from YAWA from time to time!

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