VP's Guide to 'Cataloguespeak'

I've warned against this practice before and this year I've found it much easier to resist those catalogues. The descriptions of the plants on offer I've seen so far are so fanciful and excessive, I was almost crying with laughter. However, there's a danger some of you might still be taken in, so here's a quick guide to what some of those descriptions and photos really mean:
  • Classic = It may be new, but it's really hard to tell because it looks just like any other of its kind
  • Easy to grow = Ha ha ha! We're looking at really good profits at these prices!
  • Exclusive = Nobody will touch this with a bargepole apart from us OR we've bred this ourselves and haven't sold it on to anyone yet
  • F1 = we can sell this to you at a much higher price and hey, because any seeds produced don't come true, we can sell it to you again next year
  • Hurry, this variety has been discontinued = we're flogging a dead horse here
  • Mid season half price sale = we've got more of these than we know what to do with OR they're not selling very well
  • Mixed or Shades = contains at least one colour you don't want
  • Pictured as part of an enormous construction = we've put 10x as many plants in here as you would, so you can't really tell how well it flowers and/or trails
  • Pictured with a small child for comparison = it's not really as big as it seems
  • Reintroduced = we're still going to sell this to you as if it's a new plant. In fact we'll say New in the accompanying description, so that it's clear
  • Unusual = it's ugly and we don't really understand why anyone would buy this
  • World's first + cheap price = we've been trawling through our back catalogue to find something we hope you've forgotten we had
And how's this for a description - let's see if you can guess which bedding plant is being described (clue: I don't think it's edible):
Delicious xxxxxs! Frivolous blooms drench the lush foliage in dreamy shades of coral, orchid rose, salmon, pink and white all through the summer until the first frosts. Enjoy their breathtaking displays in...
Or how about (this is a different bedding plant which isn't edible either, though it did make me think of cauliflowers):
Imagine hundreds of dazzling florets spilling over your hanging baskets, cascading from xxxxx [= a trade marked item which would give the catalogue away - Ed] and bubbling from patio containers right through the summer months...
I could go on, but I've got the giggles again. What's the best 'cataloguespeak' you've found so far?

Editor's Note: Photographic evidence withheld in order to protect any innocents which may be lurking in VP's catalogue pile.

Comments

  1. Nutty Gnome8 March 2010 at 08:52

    Ha ha - very good post VP and so true!catalogue speak has often had me chuckling too :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Nick Mann8 March 2010 at 12:02

    oh er....frenzied rush to eradicate any catalogue speak from website ensues...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Helen/patientgardener8 March 2010 at 12:09

    The word cynical springs to mind! But very true. I especially like the small child for comparison one

    ReplyDelete
  4. Susan Tomlinson8 March 2010 at 12:32

    There is not a bit of exaggeration in catalogs. Not a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. petoskystone8 March 2010 at 13:37

    "bubbling from patio containers"--it's a water feature? i like to read the names given to roses & iris, but i skip the rest of the descriptions!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Plant Mad Nige8 March 2010 at 15:28

    Oh how I love it! The lies, the hyperbole, the excessive language - it, well, um, sort of operatic! My two big betes noires are 1: that potato barrel thing that illustrates about a tonne of spuds growing in a small plastic barrel and 2: plant varieties whose flowers are an unusual colour, illustrated with ghastly colour distortions - eg. blue roses.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Victoria Summerley8 March 2010 at 16:34

    Brilliant post! I agree with Plant Mad Nige's pet hates. However, I also loathe catalogues that don't offer bedding plants in single colours. Or bigger plants - town gardeners very rarely have the room to bring on 60 plug plants (plus 20 free)

    ReplyDelete
  8. HappyMouffetard8 March 2010 at 19:42

    At a guess, one of the descriptions may be of Impatiens? Or maybe a Petunia, a trailing Verbena or Begonia (do you think I've hedged my bets enough?)

    My favourite catalogue to read is Sarah Raven's, where most plants are either described as 'lovely' or 'my absolute favourite'.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Christine B.8 March 2010 at 19:49

    I believe there is a school that catalogue-writing persons secretly train at to hone their craft. Also in attendance at this school: real estate agents, dentists ("this won't hurt at all..."), and lawyers.

    From the description of one annual in a big old glossy catalogue: pretty...enchanting...will steal your heart...non-stop flowering...expectant faces open day and night...bring life to the party...

    Is it a bunch of movie stars or a flower? Who knows?

    Christine in Alaska

    ReplyDelete
  10. Karen - An Artist's Garden8 March 2010 at 20:16

    I love catalogue speak!

    The world of summer bedding has opened up to me this year as a lot of my customers have requested that I plant some for them.

    I think you are describing a begonia (what do I know)

    I agree with plant mad Nige about photoshopped images - one company, whos leaflets seem to appear with the sunday papers is particularly bad at this with very lurid colours in pictures.

    Like Victoria I also get cross that so many offers are for "mixed" mixed seeds, mixed bedding I really don't like mixed.

    I also don't like having to tell my customers don't buy "that", it doesn't look like that.
    K
    PS Sorry that comment sounds rather stompy! Thats two stompy comments I have lfet on the trot - VP what are you doing to me!!!
    PPS Spell check doesn't recognize stompy, so I have no idea how to spell it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Juliet8 March 2010 at 22:53

    I agree with Victoria about the 60 plug plants plus 20 free, and have indeed ranted about it on my blog.

    My favourite examples of catalogue-speak are
    Excellent ground cover = it will take over your garden
    Vigorous = you'll never be able to get rid of it

    ReplyDelete
  12. Joan8 March 2010 at 23:29

    Great post!
    Along the lines of Juliet.. I've seen
    "strong grower" = invasive, a real garden thug!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mr. McGregor's Daughter9 March 2010 at 00:00

    Ah, yes, my favorite is a description of a Peony: great for floral arrangements = will flop into the mud if not staked, if staked the stems will break on the supports. Second favorite: will grow in difficult spots = rampant weed.
    #3 will form a dense carpet = will smother and choke out any plant in the neighborhood.
    #4 short lived perennial = will die after one year.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lu10 March 2010 at 20:38

    I once bought some 'mixed' miniature gladioli. they all turned out to be disgusting salmon pink which I wouldn't have touched with a bargepole if I'd known. Luckily I have a friend who really likes disgusting salmon pink gladioli. Very odd.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Victoria Summerley11 March 2010 at 17:10

    Lu, I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that all catalogue plants are a dirty salmon pink. Over the years I've ordered "white" nicotiana (turned out to dirty salmon pink), "blue" hardy geraniums (turned out DSP), "white" pelargoniums (also DSP) and "white" antirrhinums with "purple eye" (yup, solidly DSP). I don't order from catalogues any more. But I enjoy laughing at them.

    ReplyDelete
  16. VP22 March 2010 at 09:22

    Hi everyone - glad you enjoyed this post and many thanks for your excellent 'Cataloguespeak' additions. I've enjoyed your comments as much as the fun I had putting this post together :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Helen3 February 2013 at 17:48

    Oh, yes. My "mixed" packet of 'Paintbox' nasturtiums was a case in point. It contained every colour of the rainbow, if rainbows came in only orange. Thanks for these.

    ReplyDelete
  18. VP4 February 2013 at 10:09

    Helen - that's a very good reverse of my mixed 'rule' ;) Thanks for the link love over at yours :)

    ReplyDelete

New comments are not allowed.

Your essential reads

That blue flower: A spring spotter's guide

Image
Spring is a prime time for blue flowers and my daily walks currently have several from the same plant family* lining the local footpaths. As I walked past the Donkey Field the other day, I overheard some children ask their parents** what the pictured blue flower was. It reminded me it's often mistaken for those other familial blues and this time was no different, as they said it was forget-me-not, instead of the green alkanet it actually is. As well as similar flowers, most of these plants are hairy in their nature, flower around the same time, and favour damp, shady places. Many of them are great for pollinators too, especially bees and this week's warm weather has certainly drawn them to these flowers. This makes it even more likely for these plants to be mistaken for each other and it's a great opportunity for me to put together a spotter's guide in case you find the same flowers on your outings. Staying with green alkanet, the key features which set it
Read more

Jack Go To Bed At Noon

Image
Last year this rather exotic looking flower appeared on mine and several other allotments for the first time. Having been stumped (again) by Mr Allotment Warden as to its identity, I rushed home to find out what it was. It's salsify, aka the marvellous Jack Go To Bed At Noon - named as such because its flowers always close by midday. Here you can see both open and closed flowers - making it seem even more exotic and alien than in the first picture. I think this must be the cultivated version because the flower in my Francis Rose Wild Flower Key looks exactly the same in form, but is bright yellow in colour and called meadow salsify . Its other common name is Goatsbeard, which must be a nod to the fantastic dandelion-like clock which forms the seed head. With 'parachutes' like those shown above, who knows how far our plotted plants came from. I rather like the photographic dissection of the seedhead found in this link . Salsify is edible: its lateral shoots and fl
Read more

Red Nose Day - Gardening Jokes Anyone?

Image
The nation goes ever so slightly bonkers on Red Nose Day - hurrah! Previously, it's been very easy to join in - usually via a dress down day at work plus lots of people up to mad things at the station and in the office. Everyone smiling for once - it's a real feel good day and all in a good cause. This year's different - every day's a dress down day for me now - my friend L suggested yesterday that perhaps I could have a dress up day instead and whilst that's a good idea, I confess that ballgowns and tiaras don't really feature in my wardrobe: scruffy student's always been my favourite look. So my Red Nose Day contribution for this year is to compile a list of gardening related jokes. For each one (clean ones only please) you leave in the comments below, I'll make a donation of 50p to the cause. Here's a few for starters just to get you warmed up: Q Why do potatoes make good detectives? A Because they keep their eyes peeled. Q What did the grape
Read more

Salad Days: Mastering Lettuce

Image
I've decided one of my salad challenges for this year is to grow as many lettuce varieties as I can, ready for the publication of my planned Factsheet* later on. The idea is to grow as many of the Tried and Trusted lettuce varieties last year's Salad Challengers helped compile, then provide a visual guide and as many lettuce facts as I can muster. So far I've found around half of those listed**. Then naturally whilst I was out searching - because such is the way with seeds - a number of other varieties found their way home too ;) A couple of weeks ago I sowed 22 varieties***. Just the simple act of sowing them has me intrigued. Why are some lettuce seeds black and others white****? They split into about half white to half black in my sample and as far as I can tell it's nothing to do with whether they're a type of cos, iceberg, or whatever. I sowed them indoors and popped them into a propagator on the windowsill. The soil's too cold outside for sowing
Read more

VPs VIPs: Derry Watkins of Special Plants

Image
Last week I had the pleasure of visiting Derry Watkins at her home, garden and nursery - the acclaimed Special Plants - just a few miles along the road from me. I first met Derry at one of her open garden days last year and was keen to find out more about her wonderful garden and running an independent nursery. She specialises in tender perennials and regularly goes on plant hunting trips to find new treasures, particularly in South Africa. As well as running Special Plants and opening her garden under the NGS scheme , Derry holds day courses at her nursery, hosts Special Tuesdays from April until September, lectures and has written a couple of books. How did you find your way from Connecticut to the UK? I'd started a biodynamic vegetable garden in Connecticut and we used to have people come along at weekends to help out. A particular young man turned up: he returned many times and at the end of the summer I married him. So it was all down to love? Isn't that the
Read more

#mygardenrightnow: heading into summer with the Chelsea Fringe

Image
Ahhhhhh, that's better! I love walking through dewy grass in bare feet, not that there's much in the way of grass on my back lawn this weekend. My wild and woolly lawn has morphed into meadow of sorts this month, which even NAH admits looks attractive*. It's also proved a great source for my Flowers for mum project so far, yielding self-sown perennial cornflowers, lamb's ears, and lemon balm in addition to the blooms you can see. These originated from elsewhere in the garden, the ox-eye daisies must have blown in from the A350 nearby. * = he got very stroppy about the weeds aka self-sown foxgloves in the lawn one year, so he's come along a bit since then. Skimble's demanding to say hello to you too. He does enjoy the patio when it warms up. If the embedded video doesn't work try this link instead. The Nectaroscordum are a revelation. I planted the bulbs around 2 years ago, but it's only this year they've bloomed properly. The bee
Read more

The Resilient Garden

Image
  Part of Tom Massey's Resilient Garden at RHS Hampton Court I've been pondering VP Gardens a lot lately. Last year's drought conditions set me off initially, then our harsher than usual winter combined with this summer's flip and flop weather means the thinking continues. It's a huge topic which I freely admit I'm struggling to get my head around. Tom Massey's Resilient Garden  at Hampton Court recently  tackled this topic brilliantly and was a timely interlude which gave me much food for thought. There he encapsulated the detailed research he'd found which informed both his show garden and book of the same name. I think it's one of the most important show gardens I've ever seen. It's clear the way I garden needs to change so that I have my own resilient garden. I haven't worked out the exact details yet, but Tom's book plus a couple of others (see below), alongside the rainwater management handout from the show garden's  sponso
Read more

Testing Times: Tomatoes

Image
  I've run a couple of tomato trials this year. The first is a revisit of the biochar trial with Oxford University I attempted some years ago (with a different organisation this time), and the second is a trial of a water gadget called Plantsurge which I was given to try at Malvern Spring Show earlier this year. Most of you have probably heard of biochar already and the claim that this inert, carbon-rich material can help soil fertility and plant health. The RHS information in the above link says results can be mixed, with reduced effects found in alkaline soils. This may help to explain the lack of difference I found in my previous trial as VP Gardens is on a lime-rich soil. Plantsurge is a different beast altogether. It's a strong magnet which is attached to a hosepipe as shown in the photo above. It's claimed that it softens water, with the result more like watering with rainwater. The higher nitrogen found in rainwater is thought to be beneficial to plants. Gardener
Read more

Chelsea Fringe 2014: Shows of Hands - Episode I

Image
The gloves NAH used to build the raised bed . The effects are L to R, top to bottom:  Original photo, Warhol, HDR, Green tint, B&W, Posterize, Boost, Cross process and Sepia Welcome to Shows of Hands - my Chelsea Fringe project for 2014! As you can see I've been having a bit of a play around in Pic Monkey for my first contribution. You're welcome to join in between now and 8th June 2014. The idea behind this year's project is to highlight the tool most precious to a gardener: their hands. How do I take part? It's simple. All you need to do is take a photo of hand(s) in a gardening context and then share it via your blog or other social media (such as Twitter or Facebook), then make sure I know you've done so. I've set up Mr Linky below for your blog contributions. The Chelsea Fringe photo on the right sidebar links to this post, so you can easily find it again when you're ready to add your contribution. If you share your photo on Twitter,
Read more

Make Use of Mildew

Image
On my garden patrol this morning I spotted some powdery mildew on a couple of my new Verbena bonariensis plants. I suppose it was almost inevitable as I prefer to grow my plants hard - this means no water for them unless they look absolutely desperate. This approach means plants root themselves more deeply and have a better chance of survival during spells of dry weather like we've had lately. However, it also means I run the risk of problems like today's, especially with any garden newbies planted late in the season. We've had a good drop of rain overnight, so this should help my plants survive. I'll mulch them later today to help lock in the moisture as it's water stress which encourages the mildew to take hold. I've also removed the infected leaves and sprayed the rest with a milky drink.* I'm also pleased to find there's a use for my infected leaves. Oliver Ellingham at Reading University has started a PhD - sponsored by the RHS - researchi
Read more