Red Nose Day - Gardening Jokes Anyone?


The nation goes ever so slightly bonkers on Red Nose Day - hurrah! Previously, it's been very easy to join in - usually via a dress down day at work plus lots of people up to mad things at the station and in the office. Everyone smiling for once - it's a real feel good day and all in a good cause.

This year's different - every day's a dress down day for me now - my friend L suggested yesterday that perhaps I could have a dress up day instead and whilst that's a good idea, I confess that ballgowns and tiaras don't really feature in my wardrobe: scruffy student's always been my favourite look.

So my Red Nose Day contribution for this year is to compile a list of gardening related jokes. For each one (clean ones only please) you leave in the comments below, I'll make a donation of 50p to the cause. Here's a few for starters just to get you warmed up:

Q Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A Because they keep their eyes peeled.

Q What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
A Nothing - it just gave a little w(h)ine

Q What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
A A rash of good luck.

So that's £1.50 so far - can you do better? I think so!

Comments

  1. garden girl13 March 2009 at 12:25

    Thank you for the morning chuckle VP!

    ReplyDelete
  2. CanadianGardenJoy13 March 2009 at 12:40

    VP .. "me outside last night in my jammies and big PINK robe .. tripod and camera trying to get a picture of the golden moon last night" now THAT was FUNNY : )

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nutty Gnome13 March 2009 at 12:44

    Ha ha, very good - here's few more for red nose day!

    A little boy goes up to an old gardener and says "what do you put on your rhubarb?". "Well, usually rotted horse manure" replies the gardener. " we have custard on ours" says the boy.

    Did you hear about the successful bonsai tree grower? He got so good he ended up looking for a house with a smaller garden.

    How do you stop moles digging in your garden? Hide their shovels!

    A small boy is helping his dad dig up potatotes. " what I want to know" he says, "is why you buried the darn things in the first place"

    What sort of animal is a slug? A snail with a housing problem.

    Gardener to a friend: " do you know where I could get some slug pellets?" Friend: "have you tried Boots?" Gardener: "I want to poisen them, not kick them to death".

    Two slugs are slithering along the pavement. They go round a corner and get stuck behind two snails. " oh no" says one "caravans!"

    Man to neighbour: "can I borrow your lawnmower?" Neighbour: "No, she's not home yet"

    Enough!
    Have a good, fun day!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gail13 March 2009 at 12:55

    I love these jokes VP...they remind me of the little book of jokes my son had as a small child. He delighted in telling them.
    Here's one!!

    What do you call a stolen yam?
    A hot potato.

    Gail

    ps I hadn't heard of Red Nose Day before?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous13 March 2009 at 13:50

    My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign.
    Together we make mud.
    - Rodney Dangerfield

    What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    Pumpkin pi. (Excuse me but I am a Math teacher ...)

    A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
    except for learning how to grow in rows.
    - Doug Larson

    Everyone has these on their face?
    Tulips

    The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    My mother's menu consisted of two choices:
    Take it or leave it.
    - Buddy Hackett

    God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.

    Hehehe ...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dave13 March 2009 at 14:32

    What's brown and Sticky?
    A stick.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous13 March 2009 at 15:53

    Q. Why did the bull rush?
    A. Because he saw the cow slip

    Q. How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
    A. Paint his toe nails red

    Q. Why did the radish blush?
    A. Because he saw the salad dressing

    The old ones are the best?

    Well done VP :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anna13 March 2009 at 16:22

    Great idea VP :)

    Q: What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?

    A: They both have bees going after them.

    Boom,boom !

    ReplyDelete
  9. Zoë13 March 2009 at 16:51

    Everyone has these on their face?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Tulips

    :: groans ::

    And another:

    What did the carrot say to the wheat?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

    Last one!

    Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells,
    and don't work half the time.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous13 March 2009 at 17:50

    Hi VP
    What do you get if you cross Ilkley's most famous gardening son with an object of bad taste?

    Alan Kitschmarsh

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nutty Gnome13 March 2009 at 17:59

    ....I love the pumpkin pi joke! Definately the best one so far. Great idea VP.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous13 March 2009 at 18:12

    Did you hear the contemporary artist who shocked the artworld with his sculpture of Brassica rapa Rapifera Group?

    He was awarded the Turnip Prize.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Monica the Garden Faerie13 March 2009 at 19:26

    Dave, do I detect another Vicar of Dibley fan? I'm terrible at telling structured jokes, though I'm pretty good off-the-cuff.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mr. McGregor's Daughter13 March 2009 at 19:43

    What a coincidence - this morning my daughter, who is off school today, came up to me to tell me a joke. Here it is: "Knock, knock"
    "Who's there?"
    "Lettuce."
    "Lettuce in, it's cold out here!"

    ReplyDelete
  15. Rose13 March 2009 at 19:44

    Thanks for the laughs and groans today, VP. I had never heard of Red Nose Day either.

    I'm not good at remembering jokes; the only two I can think of right now are ones my young grandkids have repeated:

    What's the smallest room in the world?
    Ans: A Mush-room!

    What is a ghost's favorite fruit?
    Ans: Boo-berries.

    Have a great weekend:)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Amanda13 March 2009 at 20:18

    Oh, Dave stole the only one I could think of! I've consulted with my would-be comedian nine-year old and have these offerings:

    What's red and invisible?
    No tomatoes

    What's red and square?
    A banana in disguise

    What do you get if you cross a dog with a daisy?
    A collie-flower.

    I miss Red Nose Day!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Linda13 March 2009 at 22:19

    Grass is just a flower bed in waiting.

    Why do melons have fancy weddings?
    Because they cantaloupe.

    New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.

    A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.
    After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
    "Well . . . What does it taste like?"
    "Worms," was the reply.

    If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Juliet13 March 2009 at 23:05

    All my best ones have already gone :(

    I know a couple more though ...

    A magical tractor was driving down the road, and it turned into a field.

    My neighbour asked if he could borrow my lawnmower, and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

    What's green and goes to summer camp?
    A brussels scout.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Compostwoman13 March 2009 at 23:38

    contribution from Compostgirl for RND 09

    Why did the banana go to the Drs?
    Because it was not peeling very well!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dave14 March 2009 at 09:28

    What's green and hairy and goes up and down all day?

    A Gooseberry in a lift.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Trisha xx14 March 2009 at 09:30

    RND was v. funny on tv last night(especially the England football team skit.), love the jokes here...

    What's green and loud?
    A froghorn...

    ReplyDelete
  22. this is my patch14 March 2009 at 15:04

    Your blog friends would see you broke! x

    ReplyDelete
  23. VP14 March 2009 at 22:04

    Hi everyone - thanks for your all of your jokes - I've been giggling a lot each time I come and have a look at this post :D

    You've 'donated' 46 jokes (including my initial 3 + 1 duplicate), which makes £23.00, which I'll round up to £25 as the picture conjured up by Joy's comment made me giggle too!

    The RND event this year has raised nearly £58 million so far, the highest total ever raised - so much for the credit crunch!

    ReplyDelete

New comments are not allowed.

Your essential reads

That blue flower: A spring spotter's guide

Image
Spring is a prime time for blue flowers and my daily walks currently have several from the same plant family* lining the local footpaths. As I walked past the Donkey Field the other day, I overheard some children ask their parents** what the pictured blue flower was. It reminded me it's often mistaken for those other familial blues and this time was no different, as they said it was forget-me-not, instead of the green alkanet it actually is. As well as similar flowers, most of these plants are hairy in their nature, flower around the same time, and favour damp, shady places. Many of them are great for pollinators too, especially bees and this week's warm weather has certainly drawn them to these flowers. This makes it even more likely for these plants to be mistaken for each other and it's a great opportunity for me to put together a spotter's guide in case you find the same flowers on your outings. Staying with green alkanet, the key features which set it ...
Read more

Jack Go To Bed At Noon

Image
Last year this rather exotic looking flower appeared on mine and several other allotments for the first time. Having been stumped (again) by Mr Allotment Warden as to its identity, I rushed home to find out what it was. It's salsify, aka the marvellous Jack Go To Bed At Noon - named as such because its flowers always close by midday. Here you can see both open and closed flowers - making it seem even more exotic and alien than in the first picture. I think this must be the cultivated version because the flower in my Francis Rose Wild Flower Key looks exactly the same in form, but is bright yellow in colour and called meadow salsify . Its other common name is Goatsbeard, which must be a nod to the fantastic dandelion-like clock which forms the seed head. With 'parachutes' like those shown above, who knows how far our plotted plants came from. I rather like the photographic dissection of the seedhead found in this link . Salsify is edible: its lateral shoots and fl...
Read more

Salad Days: Mastering Lettuce

Image
I've decided one of my salad challenges for this year is to grow as many lettuce varieties as I can, ready for the publication of my planned Factsheet* later on. The idea is to grow as many of the Tried and Trusted lettuce varieties last year's Salad Challengers helped compile, then provide a visual guide and as many lettuce facts as I can muster. So far I've found around half of those listed**. Then naturally whilst I was out searching - because such is the way with seeds - a number of other varieties found their way home too ;) A couple of weeks ago I sowed 22 varieties***. Just the simple act of sowing them has me intrigued. Why are some lettuce seeds black and others white****? They split into about half white to half black in my sample and as far as I can tell it's nothing to do with whether they're a type of cos, iceberg, or whatever. I sowed them indoors and popped them into a propagator on the windowsill. The soil's too cold outside for sowing ...
Read more

VPs VIPs: Derry Watkins of Special Plants

Image
Last week I had the pleasure of visiting Derry Watkins at her home, garden and nursery - the acclaimed Special Plants - just a few miles along the road from me. I first met Derry at one of her open garden days last year and was keen to find out more about her wonderful garden and running an independent nursery. She specialises in tender perennials and regularly goes on plant hunting trips to find new treasures, particularly in South Africa. As well as running Special Plants and opening her garden under the NGS scheme , Derry holds day courses at her nursery, hosts Special Tuesdays from April until September, lectures and has written a couple of books. How did you find your way from Connecticut to the UK? I'd started a biodynamic vegetable garden in Connecticut and we used to have people come along at weekends to help out. A particular young man turned up: he returned many times and at the end of the summer I married him. So it was all down to love? Isn't that the...
Read more

#mygardenrightnow: heading into summer with the Chelsea Fringe

Image
Ahhhhhh, that's better! I love walking through dewy grass in bare feet, not that there's much in the way of grass on my back lawn this weekend. My wild and woolly lawn has morphed into meadow of sorts this month, which even NAH admits looks attractive*. It's also proved a great source for my Flowers for mum project so far, yielding self-sown perennial cornflowers, lamb's ears, and lemon balm in addition to the blooms you can see. These originated from elsewhere in the garden, the ox-eye daisies must have blown in from the A350 nearby. * = he got very stroppy about the weeds aka self-sown foxgloves in the lawn one year, so he's come along a bit since then. Skimble's demanding to say hello to you too. He does enjoy the patio when it warms up. If the embedded video doesn't work try this link instead. The Nectaroscordum are a revelation. I planted the bulbs around 2 years ago, but it's only this year they've bloomed properly. The bee...
Read more

Make Use of Mildew

Image
On my garden patrol this morning I spotted some powdery mildew on a couple of my new Verbena bonariensis plants. I suppose it was almost inevitable as I prefer to grow my plants hard - this means no water for them unless they look absolutely desperate. This approach means plants root themselves more deeply and have a better chance of survival during spells of dry weather like we've had lately. However, it also means I run the risk of problems like today's, especially with any garden newbies planted late in the season. We've had a good drop of rain overnight, so this should help my plants survive. I'll mulch them later today to help lock in the moisture as it's water stress which encourages the mildew to take hold. I've also removed the infected leaves and sprayed the rest with a milky drink.* I'm also pleased to find there's a use for my infected leaves. Oliver Ellingham at Reading University has started a PhD - sponsored by the RHS - researchi...
Read more

The Resilient Garden

Image
  Part of Tom Massey's Resilient Garden at RHS Hampton Court I've been pondering VP Gardens a lot lately. Last year's drought conditions set me off initially, then our harsher than usual winter combined with this summer's flip and flop weather means the thinking continues. It's a huge topic which I freely admit I'm struggling to get my head around. Tom Massey's Resilient Garden  at Hampton Court recently  tackled this topic brilliantly and was a timely interlude which gave me much food for thought. There he encapsulated the detailed research he'd found which informed both his show garden and book of the same name. I think it's one of the most important show gardens I've ever seen. It's clear the way I garden needs to change so that I have my own resilient garden. I haven't worked out the exact details yet, but Tom's book plus a couple of others (see below), alongside the rainwater management handout from the show garden's  sponso...
Read more

Chelsea Fringe 2014: Shows of Hands - Episode I

Image
The gloves NAH used to build the raised bed . The effects are L to R, top to bottom:  Original photo, Warhol, HDR, Green tint, B&W, Posterize, Boost, Cross process and Sepia Welcome to Shows of Hands - my Chelsea Fringe project for 2014! As you can see I've been having a bit of a play around in Pic Monkey for my first contribution. You're welcome to join in between now and 8th June 2014. The idea behind this year's project is to highlight the tool most precious to a gardener: their hands. How do I take part? It's simple. All you need to do is take a photo of hand(s) in a gardening context and then share it via your blog or other social media (such as Twitter or Facebook), then make sure I know you've done so. I've set up Mr Linky below for your blog contributions. The Chelsea Fringe photo on the right sidebar links to this post, so you can easily find it again when you're ready to add your contribution. If you share your photo on Twitter, ...
Read more

Testing Times: Tomatoes

Image
  I've run a couple of tomato trials this year. The first is a revisit of the biochar trial with Oxford University I attempted some years ago (with a different organisation this time), and the second is a trial of a water gadget called Plantsurge which I was given to try at Malvern Spring Show earlier this year. Most of you have probably heard of biochar already and the claim that this inert, carbon-rich material can help soil fertility and plant health. The RHS information in the above link says results can be mixed, with reduced effects found in alkaline soils. This may help to explain the lack of difference I found in my previous trial as VP Gardens is on a lime-rich soil. Plantsurge is a different beast altogether. It's a strong magnet which is attached to a hosepipe as shown in the photo above. It's claimed that it softens water, with the result more like watering with rainwater. The higher nitrogen found in rainwater is thought to be beneficial to plants. Gardener...
Read more