Red Nose Day - Gardening Jokes Anyone?

The nation goes ever so slightly bonkers on Red Nose Day - hurrah! Previously, it's been very easy to join in - usually via a dress down day at work plus lots of people up to mad things at the station and in the office. Everyone smiling for once - it's a real feel good day and all in a good cause.

This year's different - every day's a dress down day for me now - my friend L suggested yesterday that perhaps I could have a dress up day instead and whilst that's a good idea, I confess that ballgowns and tiaras don't really feature in my wardrobe: scruffy student's always been my favourite look.

So my Red Nose Day contribution for this year is to compile a list of gardening related jokes. For each one (clean ones only please) you leave in the comments below, I'll make a donation of 50p to the cause. Here's a few for starters just to get you warmed up:

Q Why do potatoes make good detectives?
A Because they keep their eyes peeled.

Q What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
A Nothing - it just gave a little w(h)ine

Q What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?
A A rash of good luck.

So that's £1.50 so far - can you do better? I think so!


  1. Thank you for the morning chuckle VP!

  2. VP .. "me outside last night in my jammies and big PINK robe .. tripod and camera trying to get a picture of the golden moon last night" now THAT was FUNNY : )

  3. Ha ha, very good - here's few more for red nose day!

    A little boy goes up to an old gardener and says "what do you put on your rhubarb?". "Well, usually rotted horse manure" replies the gardener. " we have custard on ours" says the boy.

    Did you hear about the successful bonsai tree grower? He got so good he ended up looking for a house with a smaller garden.

    How do you stop moles digging in your garden? Hide their shovels!

    A small boy is helping his dad dig up potatotes. " what I want to know" he says, "is why you buried the darn things in the first place"

    What sort of animal is a slug? A snail with a housing problem.

    Gardener to a friend: " do you know where I could get some slug pellets?" Friend: "have you tried Boots?" Gardener: "I want to poisen them, not kick them to death".

    Two slugs are slithering along the pavement. They go round a corner and get stuck behind two snails. " oh no" says one "caravans!"

    Man to neighbour: "can I borrow your lawnmower?" Neighbour: "No, she's not home yet"

    Have a good, fun day!

  4. I love these jokes VP...they remind me of the little book of jokes my son had as a small child. He delighted in telling them.
    Here's one!!

    What do you call a stolen yam?
    A hot potato.


    ps I hadn't heard of Red Nose Day before?

  5. My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign.
    Together we make mud.
    - Rodney Dangerfield

    What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    Pumpkin pi. (Excuse me but I am a Math teacher ...)

    A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
    except for learning how to grow in rows.
    - Doug Larson

    Everyone has these on their face?

    The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    My mother's menu consisted of two choices:
    Take it or leave it.
    - Buddy Hackett

    God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.

    Hehehe ...

  6. What's brown and Sticky?
    A stick.

  7. Q. Why did the bull rush?
    A. Because he saw the cow slip

    Q. How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
    A. Paint his toe nails red

    Q. Why did the radish blush?
    A. Because he saw the salad dressing

    The old ones are the best?

    Well done VP :)

  8. Great idea VP :)

    Q: What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?

    A: They both have bees going after them.

    Boom,boom !

  9. Everyone has these on their face?

    :: groans ::

    And another:

    What did the carrot say to the wheat?
    Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

    Last one!

    Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells,
    and don't work half the time.

  10. Hi VP
    What do you get if you cross Ilkley's most famous gardening son with an object of bad taste?

    Alan Kitschmarsh

  11. ....I love the pumpkin pi joke! Definately the best one so far. Great idea VP.

  12. Did you hear the contemporary artist who shocked the artworld with his sculpture of Brassica rapa Rapifera Group?

    He was awarded the Turnip Prize.

  13. Dave, do I detect another Vicar of Dibley fan? I'm terrible at telling structured jokes, though I'm pretty good off-the-cuff.

  14. What a coincidence - this morning my daughter, who is off school today, came up to me to tell me a joke. Here it is: "Knock, knock"
    "Who's there?"
    "Lettuce in, it's cold out here!"

  15. Thanks for the laughs and groans today, VP. I had never heard of Red Nose Day either.

    I'm not good at remembering jokes; the only two I can think of right now are ones my young grandkids have repeated:

    What's the smallest room in the world?
    Ans: A Mush-room!

    What is a ghost's favorite fruit?
    Ans: Boo-berries.

    Have a great weekend:)

  16. Oh, Dave stole the only one I could think of! I've consulted with my would-be comedian nine-year old and have these offerings:

    What's red and invisible?
    No tomatoes

    What's red and square?
    A banana in disguise

    What do you get if you cross a dog with a daisy?
    A collie-flower.

    I miss Red Nose Day!

  17. Grass is just a flower bed in waiting.

    Why do melons have fancy weddings?
    Because they cantaloupe.

    New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.

    A toddler who was found chewing on a slug.
    After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
    "Well . . . What does it taste like?"
    "Worms," was the reply.

    If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.

  18. All my best ones have already gone :(

    I know a couple more though ...

    A magical tractor was driving down the road, and it turned into a field.

    My neighbour asked if he could borrow my lawnmower, and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

    What's green and goes to summer camp?
    A brussels scout.

  19. contribution from Compostgirl for RND 09

    Why did the banana go to the Drs?
    Because it was not peeling very well!

  20. What's green and hairy and goes up and down all day?

    A Gooseberry in a lift.

  21. RND was v. funny on tv last night(especially the England football team skit.), love the jokes here...

    What's green and loud?
    A froghorn...

  22. Your blog friends would see you broke! x

  23. Hi everyone - thanks for your all of your jokes - I've been giggling a lot each time I come and have a look at this post :D

    You've 'donated' 46 jokes (including my initial 3 + 1 duplicate), which makes £23.00, which I'll round up to £25 as the picture conjured up by Joy's comment made me giggle too!

    The RND event this year has raised nearly £58 million so far, the highest total ever raised - so much for the credit crunch!


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