How to Give a Cat a Pill

Skimble on top of the fridge

Since adding our purrfect felines to the sidebar, a number of you have said how much you like them. So, receiving the joke below from my friend Linda gives me the perfect excuse to post another picture of Skimble - in one of his favourite spots. I'll be giving the lowdown on both of them next week...

How To Give A Cat A Pill

  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Comments

  1. CanadianGardenJoy26 March 2008 at 19:06

    Oh my god VP .. I have seen a few clones of this type of description .. but it cracks me up EVERY time .. you have to be a cat person to really get THIS !
    Joy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mrs Mac26 March 2008 at 19:23

    LOL!! Same here!

    What a brilliant shot of Skimble! LOL! Was this a "we're going to the V.E.T." day by any chance???

    LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. CanadianGardenJoy26 March 2008 at 20:03

    Is that a total look of arrogance or superiority or ... BOTH ! .. LOL
    Skimble I mean ....
    Joy

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous26 March 2008 at 20:55

    This one is deathless, VP! Thanks for sharing it!!! My favorite pilling trick was with my delightful but enormous Maine coon cat, Diamondridge Seamus Beaumaine. When Seamus was just an infant, I would immobilize him in a towel, toss a pill down his throat, and follow it with a squirt of water from an eyedropper to make him swallow. Worked like a charm. All too soon, of course, a towel wouldn't even go around his massive furry self, but if I needed to give him a pill, I would wrap one around him anyway as best I could, and he would instantly become immobilized and swallow his pill dutifully. The joys of early conditioning!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Matron26 March 2008 at 21:16

    Yep! that's the way I get my dog Buddy to take anything! Funny story!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Carol Michel26 March 2008 at 22:13

    That is hilarious. I don't own a cat, but my sisters do, so I'll pass this along to them!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Benjamin Vogt26 March 2008 at 22:57

    Heck yeah, that's exactly how it goes! I once used a pill gun on a very feisty cat, and that worked--but it took all of your steps, soul searching, and doctor conferences to find what worked. My cat now just takes it and swallow it like a dog, but I'm quite lucky--maybe it's cuz he's a manx? Truly truly a lovely post.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Barbara26 March 2008 at 23:28

    Very very funny!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aunt Debbi/kurts mom27 March 2008 at 04:00

    I almost peed my pants. Too funny and true. I'm a vets daughter and have been schooled on pill giving. You have open the mouth, place the pill on the back of the tongue, close the mouth, blow in cats face and then run for cover. Then repeat all of your steps. Hope kitty is okay.

    deb

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yolanda Elizabet Heuzen27 March 2008 at 08:17

    You don't really need an excuse to post about your cats, do you? ;-)

    Looking forward to the posts about your cats!

    Fun pic of Skimble and LOL to the instructions about pilling a cat. Luckily none of the Bliss team are that difficult to pill. I just open their mouths, put in the pill and they will swallow it. Then I will give them some water to help the pill go down. Makes sense, doesn't it, as we take water with our meds too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Suburbia27 March 2008 at 13:41

    Made me laugh so much! Sweet memories of my own cat filled days.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous27 March 2008 at 16:56

    Try putting ointment in a cat's ear with a cotton bud! I've still got the scars to remind of what fun that was!
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gerald (SK14)28 March 2008 at 21:40

    yes I've seen this or variations of it on several blogs so I don't find it as funny as I did the first time I heard it about 12 years ago!

    I got my telephone line fixed but my connection speed hasn't improved yet!

    ReplyDelete
  14. BumbleVee29 March 2008 at 01:44

    I laughed my head off the first time I saw this...and still laugh every darn time I read it. cats hey?! they are just tooo bloody clever some days.

    ReplyDelete
  15. VP29 March 2008 at 21:24

    Joy - yes it does me too :D Ithink it's superiority!

    Helena - it wasn't but you can guess where he ends up if it is...

    Ourfriendben - hi, glad you called. And I like your story :)

    Matron - hi again, glad a dog lover likes the story too!

    Carol - hi and hope your sisters liked it too.

    Benjamin Vogt - hi and welcome! I think the Manx might be the reason for it. Lovely breed - does yours have a grin?

    Starnitesky - glad you like it!

    Debbi - I laughed at the blow in the face bit - hubby does that all the time to Skimble!

    Yolanda - you're right, but I've held back because there's also non-cat lovers out there. But I thought, oh well everyone's talking about their pets, why don't I start showing off about mine? ;)

    Surburbia - aren't your two pestering you for a pet? My BIL gets no peace from myniece and nephew!

    Flighty - ouch! And I hope you're having a good weekend!

    Hyde DP - that's a pity. I suppose I've not seen it that many times - yet. Hope to see you back in cyberspace properly soon...

    Bumblevee - too right they are. More about my 2 next week...

    ReplyDelete
  16. mschapman12 August 2009 at 03:24

    This is too funny - but real! That cat looks just like our Ike sitting up there!

    ReplyDelete
  17. VP13 August 2009 at 23:00

    Hi Marilyn - he's been sitting up there today too! He rolls over to be stroked, which means I have to stand on tiptoe to do it :)

    ReplyDelete

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